I started to think. What are the other options, sure there is reasoning, turning a blind eye, bribing and probably a few more. Well today, Planning with Kids did this post about the alternative. Now I have some reading to do. So this post may be a bit premature in putting my thoughts out there, but hey we are all on a journey together right?
I will first admit I do use time out. I do find it quite effective too. We seem to use it most when the kids are tired, they are less able to control themselves which can result in emotional outbursts as well as them being physical in terms of pushing and shoving.
For our household time out is about gaining self control or having some time to reflect on their actions and work out what would have been a better response to a situation. We have found the time away from us, the situation, the sibling to be effective in allowing the kids some time for reflection.
Now when I say reflection, I honestly do not think my 3 and 4 year old go to the 'step' and sit there and contemplate what they did and what mum thinks of my actions and if I had of done A, then B would have been the result and I would not be here..... but in those quiet few moments I think it does give them time to cool down and disconnect from whatever caused their outburst.
We don't have a set time for time out, we use to... but from our experience it is all about giving the child the time to remove themselves from the situation, we actually allow them to monitor how long they need in most cases these days (for the four year old at least, the three year old isn't quite at that responsibility yet).
At the conclusion of 'time out' for our children we ask them 'why are you here', 'what could have been done differently' and 'how can we make it right'... we then do kisses and cuddles and if need be they trott off and say sorry and kiss and make up with anyone else they need to.
What I hope time out is teaching my children is that if they find themselves in a situation where they don't have control or feel angry, or are upset, that they may have the courage to step away from the situation and when they have had time to cool down, think or adjust that they might be able to choose the right response. I am hopeful that 'time out' is a life skill just not a discipline technique. So often I say stuff and then wish I had of given myself some time to stop and think about my response!!! I am sooooo good at foot in mouth!!
Now, in saying all that I would also like to add, from what I have read on Planning with Kids, I would like to read Children are People too as recommended by Nicole and try 'bringing children in close'.
I would also like to add from my very limited knowledge of this approach that I can understand how I think it would help to build strong relationship between parents and children. That in that moment when my children would toddle off down the hall to time out, that instead of adding to their hurt and then feeling alienated that they would be very close to me and feel comfort.
I must admit I have already had the chance to dabble in this! Miss 3 threw herself to the floor tonight in a spectacular fashion because she wanted the blue cup (of course, I am so sorry I do not read minds!!) ordinarily she would have been sent to time out and instructed that when she was ready she may come back and say nicely to me and with manners that she would like the blue cup, she may come back. At this time I would tell her no she couldn't have the blue cup this time, but if she remembers to ask before I pour the drink next time and with her manners I am sure I would be able to do that for her.
However, tonight as she went to stamp her feet I pulled her in close. She resisted, so I hugged her tighter and whispered in her ear 'I know you are disappointed you didn't get the blue cup, maybe next time you can remember to ask me nicely before I pour your drink'. Her response? She softened in my arms did a sweet little chuckle and said 'yes mummy, next time I will say please can I have my drink in the blue cup'.
What do you use at your house?
I too, found the Parenting with Kids post interesting. I also use time-out sometimes, especially if I need some time to calm down. I have also used hold close method (didn't know it was called that). This works especially well with my special needs children.
ReplyDeleteI love how your example worked out. Isn't it amazing how a blue cup can mean just SOOO much to a 3-year-old lol
Just been reading "The Science of Parenting" and it speaks alot about the emotional responses needed in response to a child's seemingly out of control behaviour. Emotional responses to help the child calm down have dramatic effects in allowing children to develop the correct brain connections as they grow, essential in the early years.
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